After killing thousands of baristas before Starbucks finally killed it off, the Unicorn Frappuccino is back from the dead.

With limited-time-only appeal and bright colors sure to produce high demand, don’t be surprised if your barista tries to maul your face when you order the new Zombie Frappuccino.

Starbucks Zombie Frappuccino

And if you thought the Unicorn Frappuccino was unicorn diarrhea in a cup (it was), just wait until you hear what a zombie shits…

The Zombie Frappuccino contains creme syrup, caramel apple powder, mocha drizzle colored like blood, and whipped cream colored like brains. It blends this all with ice, milk, and the tired souls of every barista who has ever made a Unicorn Frappuccino for idiots like you and me.

If your barista makes this extra carefully (which is like, so annoying), then the Zombie Frappuccino will bleed as you stare at it – which you will, because it doesn’t look very appetizing.

Unless of course you enjoy drinking brains, in which case… I’ve got some bad news for you.

You’re a zombie!!!

“Braaiiiiiinnnnsss! Foooodd Colllorrrrinngg!”

The pink whipped cream doesn’t carry special flavor – it’s just whipped cream.

Enduring a sip of the green stuff, the Zombie Frappuccino is surprisingly sour at first. An apple’s tartness is evident though it’s more like green apple flavored candy than a caramel apple. Caramel be damned…

Starbucks Zombie Frappuccino

As I blended it more, I began to get that signature sweetness I associate with caramel. But this also introduced the dark mocha blood to the mix, which felt disjointed right away. The drizzle itself is delicious but it’s weird to have some sips favor apple completely while others have darker chocolatey notes.  To its credit, the drizzle makes the Frapp less sour and gave something of a candy apple flavor to the drink.

It’s just a pretty f*cking weird candy apple, and eventually the whole thing looks like snot.

So the new Zombie Frappuccino at Starbucks doesn’t taste the best, and I’m not sure it was ever supposed to. They could have created a knockout fall beverage by using a caramel drizzle instead of dark mocha, but then it wouldn’t look like bleeding zombie brains. I’m willing to sacrifice some taste for some gimmick when the occasion calls for it. Halloween is one of those occasions.

At the very least, I don’t hate the Zombie Frappuccino…

But I do know at least one barista who hates me.

How Many Baristas Actually Hate Me Rating: 10 out of 10
How Many Baristas Are Dead Inside Today Rating: All of Them out of 10
Overall Rating: 6 out of 10

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2 Responses

  1. Aisha says:

    Can’t wait to try it!

    • Junk Male says:

      Don’t wait too long! It’s only available while supplies last. I have a feeling they’ll run out of materials before Tuesday.