There are so many extraordinary things to eat this time of year…

This guy knows what I’m talking about:

Trader Joe?

Trader Joe?

Okay that was supposed to be a picture of Trader Joe, but turns out the original Trader Joe has nothing to do with the company anymore.

But some unidentified glorious bastard on Trader Joe’s payroll knows what I’m talking about, and he or she came up with THIS masterpiece:

Trader Joe's Extraordinary Bark of the Finest Collection

Trader Joe’s Extraordinary Bark of the Finest Collection

Trader Joe’s Extraordinary Bark of the Finest Collection: dark chocolate bark with layers of milk chocolate peanut butter cups, pretzels, caramel popcorn, and crushed almond. There’s so much shit going on here that Trader Joe completely forgot to mention the gigantic chocolate sandwich cookies that are wedged inside.

It’s like an entire night of holiday stress-eating fused together into a tight little package, so you can regret your choices in a fraction of the time it normally takes.

Trader Joe's Extraordinary Bark of the Finest Collection

Hnnnngggg.

Do I really even need to review this? You know it’s good just by looking at it.

I guess I might as well talk about it since I’m already stuffing my face with it…

But first, why don’t you take a look at it once more?

Trader Joe's Extraordinary Bark of the Finest Collection

Look at it!

Wouldn’t you know it, it tastes delicious. The biggest strength of the bar is the quality of the dark chocolate. Bitter dark was an appropriate choice given all the sweet elements encrusting the candy bar. I particularly like the contrast between the dark base and the sweeter milk chocolate peanut butter cups and the caramel popcorn.

But let’s not forget about the salty element! This will come via the pretzels especially, but also the peanut butter within the mini peanut butter cups. The plentiful almonds ensure adequate crunch in every bite.

Basically, Trader Joe’s Extraordinary Bark of the Finest Collection is a mouth party that tingles all the taste buds. The myriad of toppings accentuate the chocolate in different ways. It’s basically everything I keep underneath my pillow compressed into a candy bar.

Trader Joe's Extraordinary Bark of the Finest Collection

ARE YOU LOOKING?

Believe it or not, it was the Joe-Joe cookie sandwiches where things started to feel a little redundant. This is a pretty dark chocolate candy bar we’re talking, and it’s quite thick. The large cocoa wafers that rest atop are arguably overkill. Maybe that’s why Trader Joe didn’t bother to identify them on the package.

Other minor complaints. The texture of the popcorn is almost that of stale popcorn, and while the almonds add wonderful texture, I can’t really say I tasted them all that much. They’re too coarsely ground and overpowered by the dark chocolate. If we could up the ratio of the saltier toppings like the peanut butter cups, I might have an extraordinary mess in my pants.

Look, I’m nitpicking as a food reviewer. As a former fat kid, this is mindlessly delicious and you’ll enjoy eating Trader Joe’s Extraordinary Bark of the Finest Collection. Just make sure you’re a fan of dark chocolate, because this is a fine one indeed.

Also, just look at it.

Look At It Rating: 8 out of 10
Just Look At It Rating: 8 out of 10
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10



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