When I was young and stupid, as opposed to my current “old and stupid”, I accidentally brushed my eye with a finger full of buffalo sauce (I was also young and fat). It stung like a bitch, just as one would expect.

A friend of mine challenged that one could actually go blind if they got enough buffalo sauce in their eyeballs, to which I promptly called bullshit because I didn’t think spice could cause blindness. Sadly, you can probably guess where this is going…

Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should.

Post Sour Patch Kids Cereal

Sour Patch Kids Breakfast Cereal… an idea that might actually sound worse than rubbing globs of buffalo sauce directly across your pupils.

This horrific, horrific endeavor by Post is their latest attempt to turn a product by Mondelēz International into a cereal. See, their others at least make sense:

• Oreo O’s
• Golden Oreo O’s
• Chips Ahoy! Cereal
• Nutter Butter Cereal
• Nilla Wafers Banana Pudding Cereal
• Honey Maid S’mores

That list is ripe with cookies, chocolate, and peanut butter, which have proven to make great cereal. This, however… oh my God. Have you ever let your Sour Patch Kids grow so stale that they get hard and crunchy? Now, have you ever thrown your stale Sour Patch Kids into milk and called it a meal? Didn’t think so.

It sounds like pure garbage, and I will have to do some serious soul-searching to understand why I’m so down with this…

Guys, I know this is hard to believe, and I’m not proud of anything about to say, but this cereal is both fascinating and tasty right out of the box.

The sweet & sour combo is unmistakably Sour Patch Kids. The sour intensity isn’t as strong as the candy version (and that HAS to be a good thing), but make no mistake this is the most sour a cereal has ever been.

There are five colors, but all of them taste identical. I’d imagine covering Fruit Loops in the sugar-dust on the bottom of a bag of Sour Patch Kids would yield something close to this. I’m not even sure which fruit or which of the Sour Patch Kid this flavor is favoring, but it really just tastes like the “spirit” of Sour Patch Kids.

Sour Then Sweet. And Then Corn.

In some ways, it’s like a slightly healthier and crunchier way to satisfy a Sour Patch Kids craving.

The real test is how these hold up in milk, which is where most people’s reservations will lie.

Well I can’t say it’s a total disaster, nor can I even say it’s expressly disgusting. But I will say that it’s not  as appetizing in milk as it is dry. The milk washes away a noticeable portion of the flavor and it initially tastes like a more neutral and generic fruity corn cereal. Then, a fainter sour surfaces and you’re left wondering: What the hell am I doing with my life?  And then you continue to eat more, because you hate yourself.

Not bad!

Look… this could have been a lot worse. Post could have given us a Triscuit Cereal, a Wheat Thins Cereal, a Saltine Cracker Cereal, a Dentyne Gum Cereal, or a Halls Cough Drop Cereals from the Mondelez portfolio (and they still might). But novelty is a powerful thing, and this lesser of all evils is sure to satisfy lovers of all things Sour Patch. Or they’ll at least agree it’s better than buffalo sauce in your eyeballs.

Make no mistake though: you’ve really given up on the whole parenting thing if you feed this to your kids for breakfast.

The Buffalo Eyeball Challenge Rating: 0 out of 10
Sour Patch Milk Rating: 3.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10

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