Junk Banter is the lovechild of two maniacs who get more excited about junk food than anyone should. These psychopaths have declared a mission to try every new junk food ever released in the entire universe. This blog captures their journey towards inevitable failure, bringing you product reviews, industry news, and other related nonsense along the way. It’s written with an emphasis on comedy, but it’s probably not even that funny.

We are Junk Male and Drunk Female. Please join in our Junk Banter.


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19 Responses

  1. Sarah says:

    So, my story… 235lbs in my senior year of high school. And I’m a chick. Back then, I shaved half my head and dyed half blue and all kinds of things to demonstrate that I was not competing with cheerleaders anyway so piss off. And this was 1990 so people didn’t think it was cool to express yourself and bullying was strongly encouraged; a required elective in some districts.

    Now, I’ve lost over 100lbs and I’m a fitness nut and I eat raw food mostly. And every night at bedtime I read junk food blogs about food I’ll never taste. No, I don’t think it is sad. …

    I found this one and I’ve been reading and loving it. Great writing, clever all around, and when I saw drunk gal in bed with her macaroons, I decided we are best friends. See, I just went to Paris! And there she is having overcome her fat adolescence like me and really we should be besties.

    Then I figured it out. There’s a man in here and he’s the best parts of my new friend. Now I’m sad and confused and this mushy apple is not helping me get over my feelings of abandonment.

    So, I want you two to please…merge. Find some mad scientist working on teleportation and climb into his tiny glass room with blinking lights together and then just start pressing shit.

    Write me when you’re done and we’ll hang out.

    • Junk Male says:

      Hey Sarah!

      With all due respect, you are just about as crazy as we are and instantly emerge as one of our favorite fans. Congrats on all the weight loss! I’ve been there myself and I know how much work it is.

      I’ve also been on the opposite end of the spectrum, strict and limiting myself to broccoli and sweet potatoes. Fitness and clean eating remain some of my highest priorities, but I’ve found being flexible about my diet has benefitted both my personal well-being and, surprisingly, my fitness as well. It’s a much healthier relationship. I look forward to reviewing dumb, delicious stuff as a change of pace from the kale smoothies and protein powder.

      Thanks for being a loyal reader! We’re best friends now, and I promise you this blog will only get worse going forward.

  2. Sarah says:

    In your honor and because we are best friends, I will buy AND eat the first Suzy Q I manage to find.

  3. Sam says:

    I’m a little late to this conversation (and I also wasn’t even invited to it, which I think is a little rude of you guys), but I had to chime in because I’m kind of a male version of Sarah: I lost a (non-literal) ton of weight, I’ve become something of a fitness enthusiast, I work hard to eat healthy (most of the time), I frequent sites like this one to get a virtual fix of the foods I (mostly) avoid, and I think the writing here is better and more entertaining than on any of the other food websites I’ve seen.

    All that to sat that it’s simultaneously very cool and mildly disturbing to know I’m not the only one who gets his ‘fix’ of junk food vicariously.

    Also, I’m 88% sure that I’d like to be pals with that Junk Male guy.

  4. Shanna Kranz says:

    Hi there! Saw you wrote a couple posts regarding our Brach’s products and would like to send you all our new items for Halloween this year for your brutally honest opinions. Let me know if you are interested!

    • Junk Male says:

      Hi Shanna! Thank you for the offer. Can you please e-mail at junkbanter@gmail.com? I believe I have located most of Brach’s Halloween products for 2016 already, but maybe there are a few I’m unaware of. I just posted the Brunch Favorites review!

  5. Allie says:

    i lovvvvveeeeee this page! i stumbled upon it when looking into the new quest bars, and i fell in love…. as a former fat kid (300lbs to be accurate) and the loosing almost half of my self! yay! weight loss!! NOTHING is better then reading about food! You would think that it would be torture but NO it is almost like eating the food but with out the calories! You guys are awesome! Keep on doing yalls thing and ill keep reading! Thanks again!
    ~xoxo a pumpkin everything lover!

  6. Steph says:

    Any chance you’d consider reviewing these for your Pumpkin page?

  7. Anon says:

    Hey, Junk Male/Female, where are you–as in, literal homebase? I’ve enjoyed following your site for quite a while now, and it was after just seeing your Instabanter post about Broad Street Dough Co. that I realized we must be locals! I’m right in Oakhurst, so BSDC are pretty nifty neighbors for me too.

    • Junk Male says:

      Hi there! Both of us grew up in New Jersey. These days I live in Baltimore and Drunk Female lives in Colorado. However, I still visit my family in Hazlet quite often and like to visit Broad Street Dough Co, Purple Glaze, Glaze Artisan, etc. I’m always down to travel for the best donuts. Thanks for following and I hope you’ve been enjoying!

  8. Luce says:

    Hey I’m from england, if there’s anything you want to review from across the pond let me know!
    From one confectionary lover to another

  9. sl0atch says:

    This is So Warm Like Morocco Warm 😀
    Guys This Is Spring Come Visit Morocco

  10. Jim P. says:

    Somehow I have just discovered your page and am totally addicted. Thank you for bringing the junk! Keep up the great work! 🙂

  11. Tiffany says:

    Hey! I just discovered this blog while scouring the internet for where on Earth Pop Secret’s Popfetti is hiding (twelve treasure maps later, I couldn’t find it on my own), and I must say, I love it. It’s pretty much a written description of my life (and I say that as a writer). In addition to the props, I was wondering if you guys ever use freelancers to help you taste goodies (or baddies, yes, that’s a thing) and write quirky reviews about it. If you do, let me know where to apply!

    • Junk Male says:

      Hi Tiffany! Thanks so much for the praise and I hope you enjoy it! I definitely try to keep a certain voice and style with Junk Banter but I know I will likely need more writers one day. Please e-mail me at junkbanter@gmail.com, or message me on Instagram or Snapchat (junkbanter) for more info.

  12. Rahul says:

    Can we get more varied protein bar reviews? There’s a whole world of tasty bars out there, yet untouched. Fitjoy? Grenade bars? Syntha-6 protein crisp?

    Also, nuts-n-more nut butters please :D.

    Love the work so far — you tend to be spot-on with your assessments.

    • Junk Male says:

      Thanks for the suggestion Rahul. I actually covered all those brands on Instagram before. I think FitJoy is generally awful, the only ones I enjoyed are their seasonal Lemon Square and Gingerbread Cookie.
      Grenades are better but I’ve been consistently underwhelmed. Syntha-6 crisp bars are your winner there.

      Nuts n’ More is a solid brand. The Chocolat Maple Pretzel is to die for, and Birthday Cake doesn’t disappoint.

      The reason I don’t cover the protein/nut butters other than the top brands are limited interest, too many competitors in a flooded industry, and expensive ass reviews. If I covered all Nuts n’ More in one piece, it’s a $100+ review. If I spread it out into multiple reviews, the traffic isn’t there to justify it.

      Hope that makes sense!

  13. Rahul says:

    Awesome, thanks for the reply!
    I spent a while scrolling through your Instagram feed as a result — you’ve got a new follower 😉 .

    I have to agree with your assessments, once again: Chocolate Maple Pretzel Nuts n’ More is beyond incredible (except for a recent manufacturing run where they omitted the chocolate chips for some reason), FitJoy is mediocre (besides Lemon Square), and Syntha-6 crisp is great.

    I completely understand the rationale behind not doing a full Nuts n’ More review. Though, I am surprised to hear that FitJoy would drive less traffic than Rob Irvine’s FitElite (which you did a while back).

    Do you have any plans to branch into protein powders? It is possible to get single-serving sachets, and some brands have recently been releasing some crazy new flavors (Ghost – Cereal Milk, Cellucor – S’mores, Red Velvet, etc., CTD – Fruity Pops, etc., all of Quest).

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