This is gonna be quite the intro, but one of the side effects of running Junk Banter is that I have accidentally revealed way too much about Cap’n Crunch’s sexual history.
You see, we now have the entire menu of food that accompanies his late night escapades. We know that:
- If you have a one night stand with the Cap’n, you get treated to Blueberry Pancake Crunch.
- He once bumped uglies with Aunt Jemima, which yielded Berrytastic Pancakes with Ocean Blue syrup.
- When you’re Netflix and Chillin’ with the Cap’n, you’re doin’ it with Crunch Berry Popcorn.
Smartfood Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Popcorn Mix
What on EARTH do we have here with new Smartfood Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Popcorn Mix?!
Science continues to go exactly as far as I want it to. This new limited time offering features air-popped popcorn tossed in “sweet berry goodness”, combined with real Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch berries. There’s no remaining doubt about it; the Cap’n is a nasty freak.
Thankfully he wasn’t nasty enough to use Smartfood White Cheddar and Cap’n Crunch. Instead, he’s whipped up a new berry-flavored powder that also includes ingredients like cream cheese and yogurt. Sounds WEIRD.
The popcorn pieces have little tiny specs of color on them, which may just be residue from the Crunch Berries or part of the new powder. In any event, the popcorn pieces have a hint of artificial berry flavoring that feels right at home with Cap’n Crunch. Mouthfeel wise, it has the same texture as the White Cheddar variety.
That is of course until you get to to the Crunch Berries, in which case it has the texture of razor blades.
Altogether, Smartfood Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Popcorn Mix tastes pretty decent but could be a LOT better. I generally enjoyed the flavor at fist but for some reason grew tired of it pretty quickly. Can’t quite put my finger on it. I think this would have greatly benefited from a kettle-cooked style with a sweet glaze on the popcorn instead of this somewhat dry powder.
And as we all know, “dry” and “sexual escapades” never go well together.
But hey – at least you’re still getting some!
Burning Questions:
- Ew. Tell me about it.
- I’m still going to buy this no matter what you say. You should!
- What if I eat this in milk? Then you and the Cap’n will make great lovers.
Place of Purchase: Sent to me by Smartfood (thanks guys!)
Rating: 5.5 out of 10
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