Cap’n Crunch’s Cotton Candy Crunch – a runaway winner for the best alliterated cereal of all-time.
But I’m here today to hand out a different kind of award to the Cap’n.
He may just be the creepiest cereal mascot of all-time…
Cap’n Crunch’s Cotton Candy Crunch
I mean I’ve always thought the Cap’n was kind of creepy, but I really started to think about it when I saw the slogan “Crunch-a-Tize Me, Cap’n!” plastered on this Cotton Candy Crunch.
So I did a little research, and I didn’t have to search very hard. Get a load of these actual headlines on these actual articles:
- Why Cap’n Crunch Is Even Creepier Than You Thought, According To Science. ~ Bustle
- Cap’n Crunch Is Looking At You ~ The New York Times
- Cap’n Crunch Is Staring At Your Kid for a Reason ~ CNet
Now, those headlines don’t even require you to read the article to confirm my theory, but you should! The basic premise lies in a study some Cornell University researchers conducted. The study found:
…Characters on cereals marketed to children make incidental eye contact with children and cereals marketed to adults make incidental eye contact with adult shoppers. Of the 86 different spokes-characters evaluated, 57 were marketed to children with a downward gaze at an angle of 9.67 degrees. In contrast, the gazes of characters on adult marketed cereals were nearly straight ahead, at a .43 degree upward angle.
Cap’n Crunch is definitely one of those mascots staring directly into the souls of our youth.
Marketing is also the reason why Cap’n Crunch is often found on the lower shelves in the grocery stores. The principle goes that manufacturers intentionally place products at the supermarket heights intended to appeal to their target market (i.e. lower for children), but I’m pretty sure the Cap’n just kind of finds his way there by himself to pray on his victims.
Need more proof? The old man still dresses up as an 18th-century naval captain, though his resume of oddjobs clearly suggests he’s not captaining anything. In 2016 he handed out ice cream to children, which is one of the most creeper jobs in all the land (trust me, I’ve been one). In 2017 he made us blueberry pancakes for breakfast, probably to cure our hangovers after he did God knows what to us. And now? He’s dishing out cotton candy, and I’ve never been served cotton candy by anyone I could say with confidence was not a registered sex offender.
Sorry to ruin your childhood so suddenly, but the guy is a creep.
Of course none of this will in any way, shape, or form stop me from enjoying a big bowl of his new Cotton Candy Crunch.
The cereal comes in blue, pink, and purple, and the aroma is ridiculously cotton candy.
When eaten dry the cereal is a pleasant, delicate balance of cotton candy, vanilla, and corn. Elements of both regular Cap’n Crunch and Cap’n Crunch Berries are present with subtle, sugary overtones of cotton candy layered on top. The cotton candy flavor isn’t as strong as the aroma, but honestly I think this is for the best as too much cotton candy would likely be nauseating.
Milk definitely kills some of the cotton candy vibes, but not all. In milk it becomes basically just a sweeter version of Cap’n Crunch Berries. The texture kind of reminds me of when you get your own filthy saliva on a stick of cotton candy and get those crunchy bites of hardened sugar.
It’s an enjoyable cereal for cotton candy lovers, but I have to admit that I really don’t think I want cotton candy for breakfast.. like ever. For me this is in the “snack only” category, and I don’t think I’ll ever buy it again once I finish the box.
I definitely wouldn’t buy it for my kids, either, because I’ll never allow the Cap’n within 50 feet of any offspring I produce.
But while he may hold the crown for the creepiest cereal mascot that exists presently, I can’t in good conscience award the Cap’n as the creepiest cereal mascot of all-time. At least not after I uncovered these horror stories:
Burning Questions:
- Were you really an ice cream man? I was.
- I bet you ate all the ice cream. I did.
- How much time do you spend researching cereal? Shut up.
Place of Purchase: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
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