And the award for Best New Product Descriptor goes to…

BLASTED.

General Mills Cinnamon Toast Crunch BLASTED Shreds

Oh my Goodness how I am in love with the term BLASTED SHREDS as it appears on a cereal box.

Here in 2018, marketing in the food genre is at its pretentious peak. I will use Chobani as a case study to drive home the point, as they recently rolled out a flavor called “A hint of Madagascar Vanilla & Cinnamon.” Yes that is the title – not the description. The DESCRIPTION – which appears right on the lid – is far more egregious:

Just a hint of subtle, edible perfume in mild and creamy Greek yogurt. Sometimes all it takes is a hint – a wink at the beauty and simplicity of a juice little piece of nature. And when you take that pure and subtle flavor and blend it with perfectly creamy Greek Yogurt, full of protein and low in sugar, you end up with something so delicate and balanced it’s as close to real as a spoon can get you.”

Edible perfume!!

On the opposite end of the spectrum is General Mills, literally BLASTING their way onto the scene with a new breakfast cereal called “Cinnamon Toast Crunch Blasted Shreds.” They didn’t name the origin country of the wheat. They didn’t say it was “sprinkled with Saigon cinnamon.” It’s so refreshingly direct and it needs to be celebrated.

It also conjures a badass image of someone wielding a Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cannon that blasts cereal seasoning on whatever the f*ck it wants to.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch BLASTED Shreds is a simple formula: wheat, cinnamon, and sugar (and palm oil, and corn starch, and BHT, and Vitamin E). Also preservatives (to maintain freshness).

Picture a morbidly obese version of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and that’s the Cinnamon Toast Crunch BLASTED Shreds.The flavor profile is everything you love about the original, but then there’s more fiber so you poop better.

The slight nuance, whether truly present or mere perception by the palate, is a little bolder dose of authentic cinnamon. I’m fairly confident it’s the exact same mixture as the original and that any perceived difference is a function of how it interacts with the shredded wheat. Eaten dry, these pieces are heartier with much more heft than the wheat/rice hybrid in CTC. The wheat is woven tight, but they’re absolutely annihilated with powdery, cinnamon sugary perfection.

Initially, I felt that I preferred the breadiness of the original Cinnamon Toast Crunch pieces. But once softened in milk, this quality returns and it tastes nearly identical. The delicate crunch and lighter body when soaked calls churros to mind. Absolutely delicious. Your textural preference will dictate your ultimate preference.

The only other things to keep in mind when choosing between the two versions is that this one has a whopping 230 calories per serving, and you’ll probably shit your brains out if you eat a large bowl.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch BLASTED Shreds is a damn fine cereal that I’m happy to welcome to the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Family, as well as this new family where we BLAST things we really don’t like (shredded wheat) with the things we really do like (the best breakfast cereal on the planet).

Edible Perfume Rating: 1 out of 10 (At least it’s edible)
BLASTED with Edible Perfume Rating: 9 out of 10
Overall Rating: 9 out of 10

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