Uh oh. It’s that time of year again. That person that you don’t really care for but that you still feel obligated to acknowledge has a birthday coming up. Let’s say it’s that person that sits too close to you in the office. You know, the one that reminds you constantly how she’ll never gain weight no matter how many cookies she eats, the guy who chews with his mouth open while going on and on about the fender bender he saw on the drive in, or the person who feels the need to tell you how Kim Kardashian did something or whatever the hell when you’re trying to get work done. You really don’t want to, but you know there’ll be hell to pay if you don’t get them something for their birthday. After all, they’ve reminded you for the last 3 months that it’s coming up.

This terrible person definitely doesn’t deserve a cake or a gift or anything of value. What do you get them? These Birthday Cake Cookie Dough Bites.

This oughta do it.

Birthday Cake Cookie Dough Bites are produced by Taste of Nature Inc., the same company that makes a whole slew of theater box candy including the regular Cookie Dough Bites you’re most likely familiar with. Retailing at just a couple dollars and cents, Birthday Cake Cookie Dough Bites are the perfect gift when you want to say “I thought of you” but also “go f*ck yourself.” The Birthday Cake Cookie Dough Bites may just be the company’s Cupcake Bites rebranded, but who cares? They’re not for you, after all. They’re for that person you don’t like, and the fact that they say “birthday” on the packaging will let you avoid the passive-aggressive bitching and moaning about how you didn’t even get them anything.

So why am I talking about Birthday Cake Cookie Dough Bites as if you wouldn’t snack on them yourself? Because I already tried them and they are worse than insufferable. They’re straight-up booty. They’re billed as “bite sized birthday cake morsels coated with sprinkles and white frosting.” They should be billed as “bite-sized barf balls coated with failure.” Seriously, guys. The first bite tastes like vanilla frosting for one second before transitioning to this repulsive, chemical-laden flavor best described as “heartburn.” These are just bad.

Puke City.

Birthday Cake Cookie Dough Bites chew like stiff balls of stale Play-doh, and I much rather eat the latter. This aftertaste will not go away. They chew with sugary grit, but yet somehow taste salty. Gross. What did they put in these? The first ingredient listed is “White Birthday Cake.” LOL. How are they claiming that there’s actual cake in these? They’re balls of wax. They’re awful and I hate them. They are without qualification the worst birthday cake flavored thing I’ve ever eaten, and the worst item I’ve reviewed on the blog. Even worse than the Kraft Jet-Puffed Pumpkin Spice Mallows…

In summary, Birthday Cake Cookie Dough Bites are shit. I ate the whole box.

How Many Seconds These Tasted Good Rating: 1 out of 10
How Many Seconds These Tasted Like Barf Rating: Forever and a Day out of 10
Overall Rating: 1 out of 10

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