Did you hear about the new Taco Truck that just opened up at Target?

… I don’t think it’s gonna last.

Brach’s Late Night Taco Truck Jelly Beans

When you think of tacos you don’t think of jelly beans, and when you think of jelly beans you don’t think of tacos. Sooo… Brach’s decided it was time to change that.

Apparently trying to run itself out of business as fast as possible, Brach’s has released these Late Night Taco Truck Jelly Beans for Easter. Because if there’s one thing I know about Jesus, it’s that he loved himself some tacos. Just about the only thing Brach’s got right with this decision was calling it a “Late Night” taco truck, because you’d have to be seriously f*cked up to think this was a good idea.

Ready to puke? The flavors are:

• Margarita
• Churro
• Salsa
• Guacamole
• Beef Taco
• Horchata

Let’s get this out of the way quickly so I still have enough time to order Taco Bell – that way, at least some of what I shit out at 4:00 AM will have been worth it.

From left to right:

• Margarita: I’m glad we’re starting off with a stiff drink here because I think we’re gonna need it. This one tastes like a sweet, candied lime. No real boozy component, but I suppose I could convince myself that it’s inspired by margarita mix. Pretty good!
  

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• Churro: I would have expected wayyy more cinnamon out of these. They taste fine but they kind of just taste like “jelly beans” to me. I would say I’m disappointed, but I’m going to cherish these because I suspect things are about to get a lot worse real fast.
  

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• Salsa: Boy was I right. Salsa is absolutely nauseating and positively inedible. It tastes like ketchup, hot sauce, raw onion, and garlic. It will be difficult for any of them to taste more disgusting than these. 🤮

• Guacamole: Tastes like freshly cut grass. The worst guacamole I’ve ever eaten, yet somehow a little refreshing to clear my mouth of that putrid salsa flavor.
  

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• Beef Taco: I imagine this is what it would taste like if you put Mexican seasoning on a can of Purina dog food. And I’d STILL eat this before salsa, so that’s saying something.
  

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• Horchata: FINALLY another good one. This is a wonderful blend of vanilla and cinnamon, and the only jelly bean in the pack that I’d actively seek out again.

If you’re looking to send yourself into a deep and dark depression where you question all of your life choices, Brach’s Late Night Taco Truck Jelly Beans will get you off to a great start.

I can’t recommend them under any other circumstances.

Burning Questions:

1. What the f*ck? I genuinely don’t know…
2. I mean… what in the actual f*ck? Tell me about it.
3. They forgot the drunk vomit jelly bean. That’s also the salsa jelly bean.

Place of Purchase: Target

Rating: 2 out of 10

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