Chip the Wolf, the Cookie Crisp mascot, will turn 13 this year. In dog years, he will turn 91.
No matter which way you look at it, Chip needs some action. He is either too young to have experienced the joys of sexual activity, or so old that he hasn’t experienced it in a very, very long time.
This is about to change.
General Mills Birthday Cake Cookie Crisp
Chip will be celebrating his birthday this year with brand new Birthday Cake Cookie Crisp. By doing so, he ensures not only a sizable guest list at the party, but one with an INSANE girl-to-guy ratio.
As the old saying goes, bitches love sprinkles…and the odds are in his favor.
Of course, this isn’t the first, second, or even third time a cereal just like this has been whipped up before. Recall Sprinkles Cookie Crisp? Or how about Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crisp? There was even a Vanilla Cookie Crisp way back in the day that didn’t have sprinkles, but probably tasted fairly similar.
Will Birthday Cake Cookie Crisp taste just like all these retro cereals? Almost definitely. Will that stop me from being excited for it?
You bet your sweet birthday cake ass it won’t.
I haven’t gotten laid in a really long time either.
And for the most part, this does taste similar to predecessors like Holiday Sprinkle Cookie Crisp. But there is additional nuance here to that base flavor, and I’m happy to report the nuance is an improvement overall.
The vanilla seems a little stronger than I remember, and there’s something I equate almost to an almond extract type flavor. While this isn’t exactly birthday cake by any means, it’s for sure an upgrade to regular Cookie Crisp… which tastes like cardboard.
Birthday Cake Cookie Crisp is a cereal that didn’t blow me away upon first bite, but one that I find difficult to stop eating. I appreciate that it’s not overly sweet, though the vanilla sweetness is prevalent enough to warrant its own space in the cereal aisle. It might take you a little time to appreciate what they did well.
In milk, the flavor remains quite consistent, and sweeter variants like vanilla almondmilk will help conjure cake frosting.
While I enjoy this cereal – and I do suspect that I might enjoy this more than most reviewers – I still find it hard to understand how cereal companies continually fail to connect with a birthday cake flavor. It’s quite remarkable how few birthday cake cereal have even existed. Like… artificial birthday cake flavor is EVERYWHERE you look these days, and it seems like it would be a perfect companion to breakfast cereal. Where is the Birthday Cake Cap’n Crunch? The Birthday Cake Pebbles? The Birthday Cake Honey Bunches of Oats with F*cking Birthday Cake Clusters?
Birthday Cake Cookie Crisp isn’t perfect; I think we all knew it wouldn’t be. But I do think it’s good enough to get Chip some action on his birthday.
Maybe not a lock to get him laid, but it’s at least deserving of a high school-level hand job.
Hand Jobs in High School Rating: 10 out of 10
Hand Jobs Today Rating: 6 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10
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