Please press play on the following video before proceeding to read the review (sorry if you get the ad):

There’s no food that says “I love you” but also “I want to have sex with you” more than the chocolate-dipped strawberry. A juicy, luscious red berry scantily dressed in a lingerie made entirely of chocolate? You know you love it.

With Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching, we now have a much cheaper and much less sophisticated way to express our desires towards our romantic interests: the new limited edition Hostess Chocolate Covered Strawberry Cupcakes!

Hostess Chocolate Covered Strawberry Cupcakes are one of two sex-themed cupcakes to be released by Hostess this winter, the other being Hostess Dark Chocolate Raspberry cupcakes. There’s a few notable differences this time around.

With Hostess Dark Chocolate Raspberry cupcakes, the fruit flavor rests entirely in the creamy filling. With Hostess Chocolate Covered Strawberry Cupcakes, they’ve opted for their standard white creamy filling but went with a strawberry cake. Intriguing! The box makes sure to say “artificially flavored” strawberry cake, but they also included some strawberry puree according to the ingredients. I’m excited by this strawberry cake business we’ve got going on here. If these Hostess Chocolate Covered Strawberry Cupcakes taste as good as I hope they do, maybe I can give some away and get laid for the first time in my life.

So we’ve got the aforementioned strawberry cake, a chocolate frosting with pink swirly decoration, and a white creamy filling.

The chocolate frosting on top is no different than every other Hostess cupcake you’ve had. It’s stiff & hard (ease up, it’s Valentines Day), and is easily the sweetest component of the entire cupcake.

The creamy filling is the same Hostess fare as well. You know it best from the Twinkies you’ve got in your cabinet right now. It’s a thick, whipped affair with some artificial vanilla sweetness that actually tastes pretty darn good.

So why am I separating all of the components like this? Why don’t I just eat the cupcake like a normal person who has gotten laid before?

Here’s why: I already did eat one, and it did not taste like a chocolate-covered strawberry when eaten together. It tasted like a typical Hostess cupcake with chocolate frosting. The strawberry flavor was absent.

Dammit… I’m never going to get laid.

So, now I’ve got a cupcake carefully torn up like I’m dissecting the frog in 10th Grade Science Lab. If you eat just the cake, making certain to get no cream or chocolate frosting anywhere near it, there is the lightest touch of berry flavor mixed in. It’s very light; I had to concentrate really hard about it – the very reason I haven’t gotten laid yet. Once you can pick it out, it’s actually a pleasant and refreshing twist. But it’s more or less Hostess’s standard golden cake – a pound cake-esque flavor with a dense chewiness to it.

Hostess Chocolate Covered Strawberry Cupcakes are tasty because sugar, but disappoint. These cupcakes are the perfect metaphor for Valentine’s Day – it all sounds amazing on paper, but in reality it’s just a bunch of lies to get you in bed…

…because these cupcakes are so boring they will put you to sleep!!!

How Many Valentine’s Day I’ve Celebrated Rating: 1 out of 10
How Many Girls I Know In Real Life Rating: 2 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10

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