As sixteen time world champion and fake wrestler Ric Flair often proclaimed:

To BE the man, you’ve got to BEAT the man.

Sour Patch Kids are here to destroy Peeps once and for all, and they’ve really dressed the part…

Peeps are no longer the only sugar-coated marshmallow in town, and quite frankly I think that Jesus himself will be delighted he doesn’t have to eat Peeps for his celebratory marshmallow fix.

These are already the best marshmallows I’ve ever eaten, and I haven’t even eaten them yet.

Let’s preview this battle, which is sure to be massacre.

In the red corner, looking like they’re about to open up a can of whoop ass on the entire Easter aisle at Walmart:

Sour Patch Kids Marshmallows

Sour Patch Kids Marshmallows come in Redberry, lemon, lime, blue raspberry, and orange flavors. Aesthetically, they are the “Honey, I Blew Up The Kids” version of Sour Patch Kids.

In the corner with the garbage can:

Peeps

These standard Peeps come in nothing-flavored. They are essentially stale marshmallows covered in stale sugar and stale food coloring.

*BELL RINGS*

The battle starts off hot with the Redberry Sour Patch Kids Marshmallow delivering a sneak attack missile dropkick to Peeps, which is how I feel their tastes compare too.

The first thing I notice about the Sour Patch Kids versus Peeps is that the Kids are much softer marshmallows. The outside covering is a very similar crystallized sugar, but the fresh marshmallow is just much more fresh and satisfying to eat.

Redberry has a sour cherry flavor that isn’t perfectly like the Redberry Kid, but it definitely has a sour component and coupled with the better texture, is an immediate improvement over Peeps.

The lemon one is like a fluffy Lemonhead.

The lime one tastes a LOT like Green Jell-o, with just a hint more sour. Extremely good.

The orange Sour Patch Kids isn’t f*cking around, going in hard with a foreign object:

Orange tastes vibrant and fresh – like a more sour, chewy, and not-gross version of Orange slice candies.

Blue raspberry is tasty too, though I don’t necessarily know if I would have pegged it as blue raspberry if it didn’t wear this color.

Guys, it’s a total bloodbath. The Sour Patch Kids Marshmallows are THE only sugar-coated marshmallow you need this holiday season.

And quite frankly, it looks like they’re not giving you a choice:

Playing With Your Food Rating: 9 out of 10
Watching Peeps Burn in Hell Rating: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10

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