Hey guys! Just a heads up, I’m not Junk Male. I’m Drunk Female, and I used to write some reviews for Junk Banter back in the early days (when it was pretty much just Junk Male reading them and then the two of us high-fiving). These days I live in a hotel, which has given me more free time to write reviews again. That’s pretty much all you need to know about me.
Trader Joe’s likes to get weird. I respect that. We put a man on the moon, why shouldn’t we put Pop Rocks inside cookies? These experiments usually work because no matter how bizarre they seem, it’s easy to imagine that someone out there is a fan of the final product.
That is not the case with Trader Joe’s White House Cookie Kit.
Who in the world is this product supposed to appeal to? Other than a drunk Joe Biden, I can’t imagine anyone being super psyched to make a probably-not-very-tasty mini replica of the President’s digs. At least the Thanksgiving turkey kit was cute (in theory, anyway–I’m still haunted by Gobbles’s melty face).
I am positively delighted by the pointlessness of this, and I’ve been looking for some decor to brighten up my hotel room, so this seemed like the perfect time to dive back into reviews!
The closest I’ll come to drinking in the White House.
Terrifying side note: the nutritional information states that a serving size is 1/31th of the White House. This is equal to 120 calories. So, the whole White House clocks in at 3,720 calories. Use this as a fun way to teach your kid about fractions and/or childhood obesity.
Trader Joe’s White House Cookie Kit was created with two facts in mind: only real Americans would buy it, and real Americans are deeply deeply lazy. Rather than all the hassle of a real gingerbread house, you basically just glue four sides together and call it a day. If the real White House was this shoddily made, William Howard Taft would have most certainly sent it crumbling to the ground the first time he tripped.
Taft would have loved this blog.
Everything was going swimmingly until two things happened: (1) I had to break apart this cookie into four pillars, and (2) I was pretty drunk. Suddenly, this project went from laughably easy to embarrassingly difficult.
This building is not structurally sound.
Things escalated quickly from here. It basically goes from Step 2 (glue everything together) to Step 100 (become a professional cake decorator). The kit provides two frosting colors: white and lime green. Because, you know, when you think “representative colors of this fine free nation” you think “white and lime green“. I had no idea what to do with this duo, so I just followed my heart and threw a shit ton of sprinkles on top for good measure.
It looks like Slimer attacked the White House.
Overall, Trader Joe’s White House Cookie Kit was a tough one for me. The Thanksgiving turkey kit required a lot more construction skill, while the White House was all about artistic talent. Unfortunately I am bad at both those things, but at least the turkey kit felt a little interactive. I did eat the back of the White House and it was pretty good. A bit dry and stale, but with a clean vanilla aftertaste.
The hotel cleaning staff is definitely going to think I’m insane.
Nailed it.
How Good That Beer Was: 9 out of 10
How Patriotic This Made Me Feel: 1.776 out of 10
Overall Rating: 4 out of 10
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