My favorite Easter tradition: a mystery in itself.

There’s no logical reason for me to get drunk before I try to solve Mystery Peeps every year, but it’s something I feel I must do. It goes against conventional wisdom after all; Impairing my judgment and welcoming a state of mental confusion will make it that much harder to solve this candy puzzle, and I really… really wanna get it right.

My ability to solve mysteries is a great point of pride for me.

Why, then, do I choose to get drunk when my track record clearly shows I’m much better sober?  I got drunk for last year’s Mystery Peeps and scored 50% (I guessed “Grape” for “Grape Slush”, so I get partial credit). When I did it again for Trader Joe’s Taste Test of Caramels, I only went 42% from the field… and there was an answer key.??‍♂️

When I’m sober? I’m flawless.

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Oh well… no turning back now. I was already drunk before I started typing this. 

Mystery Peep #1 of 3

Root beer. Boom. Too easy.

At first I got some weird bubble gum notes, but I’m also pretty lit right now. It actually smells much more like root beer than it tastes. But it’s root beer.

Is it good? Well, it’s a Peep, so…

My Guess: Root Beer
Other Possibilities:  Root Beer Float.

Mystery Peep #2 of 3

You know what’s not good with whiskey? Peeps. Lord help me.

Mystery Peep 2 doesn’t smell like anything. It barely tastes like anything either… which is better than a normal Peep.

I had to eat six of them just to get a good guess, and I still couldn’t. It’s very faint – like a weak ass lollipop.

I think it’s something citrusy, which they’ve already done a million times. For example, they’ve already had Lemon Delight Peeps, Lime Delight Peeps, and Sour Lemon Lime Peeps. This year they even new Lemon Sherbet Peeps at Target, so I’m now thinking this is in the lime category. I reluctantly eat a seventh Peep. This is such a lame mystery.

Let’s just call it Key Lime.

My Guess: Key Lime
Other Possibilities:  Key Lime Pie. Lemon Meringue. Nothing flavored.

Mystery Peep #3 of 3

 

Lol I must be hammered because I actually kind of like Mystery Peep 3! Or maybe I’m just glad this is almost over.

I’m really struggling to put my finger on this one, or my eyes on anything.

Mystery Peep 3 is the most intensely flavored – something fruity again, but a weird kind of fruit. A weird, marshmallowy, stupid candy fruit. I was livestreaming this thing on Snapchat and my buddy over at The Junk Food Aisle weighed in with his guess of blue raspberry. I make it an even dozen Peeps. I think he nailed it.

But I should probably bring up last year’s Mystery Peeps for a second. I guessed “Grape” for one of them, and the correct  answer ended up being “Grape Slush.” Like, how is that different? Basically, the people at Peeps are dicks, and they could pull this kind of trickery again.

I should also note that Blue Raspberry was already a flavor. Maybe it’s the same bullshit Nabisco pulled with Mystery Oreos and the Fruity Pebbles cream we all knew was Fruity Pebbles because they did it the year before.

Can’t fool me…

My Guess: Blue Raspberry
Other Possibilities:  Blue Raspberry Slush. Blue Raspberry Bubble Gum. Blue Raspberry Fart.

What a massacre. This is the most Peeps I’ve ever eaten in one sitting, and I’m gonna have a bad case of the Mystery Poops.

A small price to pay for (maybe) solving another mystery.

*SPOILER ALERT* – CORRECT ANSWERS BELOW

LOL, Peeps suck so bad that they can’t even “mystery” correctly…

Ok, so ya know how Walmart just tears open the cardboard box these ship in, placs it on shelves, and lets us pull out packages of these stupid Mystery Peeps ourselves?

Well, that cardboard box contains a label with a barcode and stuff, and it also happens to identify the flavor in plain English. ??‍♂️

Thankfully I didn’t discover this until after I prepared my write-up above, so my guesses were untainted.

The correct answers are:

Mystery Peep 1: Root Beer
Mystery Peep 2: Lemonade
Mystery Peep 3: Raspberry

…I told you they were dicks. Any buffoon could have figured out Root Beer, Lemonade has already been a flavor many times, and they simply dropped “Blue” from the “Blue Raspberry” Peeps that have existed many times as well.

I can’t wait to play this truly idiotic game again next year.

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