Note: I wrote this review legit like two years ago, forgot to publish, and randomly decided that today was the day. Please enjoy this extremely late, barely relevant review below:
Everything bagels. They’re a great choice when you can’t decide exactly what you want, so you just get all of it. Since nobody knows what the hell they want these days, everything bagels are a perfect choice for everyone, all the time.
Except children. Can little kids even eat bagels? There’s an awful lot of chewing involved, and thousands of warning labels have taught me that kids choke on everything. I’d like to pause here and state that I know nothing about children. Imagine if I had any?
“No, Junk Jr., you can’t have any Oreos until you finish your Marshmallow Fruity Pebbles.”
Anyway… Ritz Everything Crackers with Cream Cheese seem like a wise option for those who lack the fine motor skills necessary to chew bagels.
Ritz Everything with Cream Cheese Cracker Sandwiches
Ritz Everything Crackers with Cream Cheese are easily the most adult version of the lunchbox cheese cracker sandwiches we all grew up snacking on. The crackers are baked with onion, poppy seeds, garlic, & sea salt. No sesame seeds, so these are Almost Everything Crackers as far as I’m concerned. I’m also pretty sure cream cheese needs to be refrigerated. These can’t possibly be healthy…
But they’re for kids, so who cares?
Haha, these kids will never know what they’re missing. Ritz Everything Crackers with Cream Cheese aren’t an accurate interpretation of the bagel at all. It was silly of me to hold the cracker company to that standard, but it’s kind of my job (this isn’t a job – jobs tend to pay).
The crackers taste mostly like onion & garlic without the signature heavy-handed butter of the traditional Ritz cracker. They’re not quite as salty either. While it makes the cracker more savory, it leaves something to be desired: everything. I want my everything bagels (or crackers) to be a cornucopia of seeds and flavors and textures. The only visible signs these crackers show of unique flavor are the occasional poppy seed baked in.
They look like blackheads, but taste like garlic.
And we should probably talk about this “cream cheese.” To see how a shelf-stable cream cheese faired, I twisted apart the sandwich and licked the cream cheese like it was an Oreo. This was very much one of those moments where I paused and did some self-reflecting. What the hell am I doing with my life?
The cream cheese filling in Ritz Everything Crackers with Cream Cheese isn’t gross, but it tastes a lot like any other yellow cheese-stuff sandwiched in between most cracker sandwiches. It’s just a little less sharp is all. The ingredient list reveals a mixture of cream cheese powder and cheddar cheese powder, so that explains that. The finer differences of a cream cheese flavor are muddled when combined with the sharper cheddar cheese and the prominent flavors of onion & garlic baked into the cracker. Not bad, just… meh.
I know my standard for an “Everything” bagel is ridiculously high, but these just don’t get the job done.
In summary, kids are the f*cking worst.
Kids Rating: 2 out of 10
Putting Oreos Into Your Bagel Rating: 9 out of 10
Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10
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