It brings me great joy to write tonight’s review. Yes, we will be reviewing both Gingerbread Peeps and Candy Cane Peeps. But more importantly, I have been waiting to share this story with you guys. I just needed the right opportunity. This is that opportunity.
As part of our pumpkin spice endeavor, I reviewed Kraft Jet-Puffed Pumpkin Spice Marshmallows. I absolutely hated them so badly that we ranked them below Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Flavored Dog Treats. Admittedly, it was a scathing, unnecessarily vicious review. I strongly urge you to read that review before continuing:
Please Read: Kraft Jet-Puffed Pumpkin Spice Marshmallow Review
One random Monday a few weeks later, I woke up to an unjustifiable spike in blog traffic. The vast majority of page views were those stupid marshmallows. What happened? Well, I did some digging and an online publication called The Marshmallow Studio got their hands on my review (somebody reads the blog!) Boy, were they not happy:
Now, this was amazing on its own. But the single greatest thing that has ever happened in my life are the comments that followed. These people wanted my head to roll. Below are some of my favorite comments, along with my rebuttals.
|Marshmallow Mary||"And he is a jerk who probably lives in his mother's basement (something else we don't have in Australia). Sad little man."||I actually have two Master's Degrees and bought a house, but other than that she nailed it.|
|Marshmallow Mandy||"Well, he knows what cardboard tastes like...marshmallows are only for people with discerning taste."||Marshmallows are for people with "discerning" taste? That can't possibly be true.|
|Marshmallow Martha||"No wonder why he plays jenga alone for 45 min."||My personal favorite comment. No rebuttal.|
|Marshmallow Melanie||"Maybe he was bullied as a kid so he's a Happiness Hater...."||While I was as fat as a marshmallow as a kid, I was never bullied. And I don't hate happiness, I just hate your beloved marshmallows.|
|Marshmallow Melissa||"I felt the review was about the pumpkin spice marshmallows."||This is more a statement of fact than it is a comment.|
There were many, many more comments that all focused on how I must have nothing better to do. While that is largely true, this is bold talk from people commenting on a marshmallow fan page. If nothing else ever comes of this blog, I will always have this. The Internet is truly a magical place. By the way, the Marshmallow Studio has 250,000 Likes on Facebook, so this was outstanding exposure for us. I end this tale with a haiku for The Marshmallow Studio:
Thank You for the Views
Sorry Your Marshmallows Suck
Til We Meet Again
Onto the review! These Gingerbread Peeps are quite adorable and quite terrible. Zero gingerbread flavor to these. If you like regular Peeps, these are those, but dirty rotten liars. I understand there are Peeps fans out there, but I cannot stand when something claims to be a flavor it is not. These are boring, dumb, and a waste of time. They are the perfect review item for this blog, which is also boring, dumb, and a waste of everyone’s time. No flavors to speak of in these Gingerbread Peeps other than normal Peeps marshmallow. A little worse, somehow. Just stupid. Marshmallows are stupid.
Marshmallow’s Stupidity Rating: 10 out of 10
My Stupidity For Eating Them Rating: 11 out of 10
Overall Rating: 1.5 out of 10
Wasn’t feeling optimistic about Candy Cane Peeps, since they are marshmallows. But when I opened them, the Marshmallow Gods (probably the Marshmallow Studio) hit me across the face with a huge, authentic peppermint bitchslap. These smell phenomenal. I chomped the head off one of our marshmallow protagonists and I gotta say: I freaking LOVE these. The flavor is peppermint forward with an exquisite sweetness that fades to a cooling, minty sensation. You guys probably know how much I wanted to hate these, but it is quite the opposite here. My jaw and both double chins dropped by the time I finished the entire Candy Cane Peep. The marshmallows add a creaminess that smooths out the peppermint flavor in a way that ensures you think “candy” and not “toothpaste.” I guess marshmallows can be good for something after all. I. Love. These. Marshmallows
Ability to Convert A Marshmallow Hater Rating: 7.5 out of 10
How Much I Want to Apologize to the Marshmallow Studio Rating: “Eh” out of 10
Overall Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Preview: I later discovered that they released a chocolate-dipped version of the Candy Cane Peeps. I will likely review these when I review the Sugar Plum Delight Peeps, Hot Cocoa Peeps, Sugar Cookie Peeps, & Red Velvet Peeps. Good God, that’s a lot of marshmallows.