Ernest J. Keebler, the ringleader of the Keebler Elves, was conceived in the year 1968. He was born as a 75-year-old dwarf-boy where he has remained for eternity. Even Keebler acknowledges this very serious genetic defect: “No one knows exactly how long the Elves have been baking (they are, after all, ageless).”

Being ageless sounds equal parts awesome and terrifying. On the one hand, you can eat as many cookies as you want without the fear of dying: The Cookie Diet! On the other hand, you will never experience the simple joy of celebrating a birthday. Do any of the Keebler Elves even know what a birthday cake tastes like? They all live in Elf-land where not a single person has ever aged. Tonight, we get to find out what the hell Ernie the Elf thinks a birthday cake tastes like thanks to the brand new Keebler Fudge Stripes Birthday Cake Cookies!

Keebler Fudge Stripes Birthday Cake Cookies

Last year I re-introduced myself to the Keebler Fudge Stripes line when I reviewed the Keebler Fudge Stripes Pumpkin Spice Cookies. Though I had some doubts that my childhood affinity towards these cookies would be ageless as well, I walked away a realization: These timeless motherf*&$ers can bake a damn good cookie. As long as you can accept that the Hollow Tree where they make these cookies isn’t exactly a Whole Foods, you stand a good chance to enjoy their treats. Keebler Fudge Stripes Birthday Cake Cookies are not organic, not sold in environmentally safe packaging, and are not free of artificial flavors, colors, sweeteners, and preservatives. They are, however, cookies!

I think.

Keebler Fudge Stripes Birthday Cake Cookies use the Fudge Stripe Cookie base with candy sprinkles mixed throughout, and featured a white icing confection instead of the normal fudge drizzle. The base cookie just tastes like shortbread because it is just shortbread. The cookie is crispy and crumbly like shortbread, because it is shortbread. The sprinkles are mere decoration; they are not shortbread. I think the Elves make a good shortbread cookie for the asking price. Shortbread cookies feature not much other than vanilla, sugar, and butter, so I think this is a solid enough foundation for a cake flavor. These Elves are not as dumb as I thought.

Smarter than me, at least.

The whole “birthday” cake angle comes down to the icing, and I have to tip my cap to the Elves. They didn’t completely mail this one in. Whereas the traditional Fudge Stripes uses real cocoa for the drizzle, Keebler Fudge Stripes Birthday Cake Cookies replace cocoa with confectioner’s glaze to try and help achieve “birthday cake.” The icing is stiff with a very sweet and surprisingly strong vanilla flavor. Is it like buttercream frosting? No, but you can convince yourself that it parallels a cheap store-bought birthday cake’s frosting. They didn’t knock the icing out of the park, but give them a break. They’ve never had birthday cake before.

Now, some kind of Elf-magic happens when you put it altogether. In addition to the aforementioned flavors of vanilla, butter, and sugar, a fourth emerged on the back end. It’s a flavor I’m having a hard time describing but that reminds me of another cookie. No, the Keebler Fudge Stripes Birthday Cake cookies do not taste like Birthday Cake Oreos. Not at all. The fourth flavor reminds me of something I find prominent in those Stella D’oro “S”- shaped cookies. It’s kind of like almond, maybe almond extract? It’s that difficult-to-pinpoint flavor that you find in so many Italian cookies. Maybe the Elves are Italian? Tutti gusti! This fourth flavor drove it a bit away from birthday cake but it actually made me like these more.

In summary, the Keebler Elves will never die.

How Hard It Is To Celebrate Your Birthday When You’re Ageless: 10 out of 10
How Hard It Is To Nail Birthday Cake When You’ve Never Had One: 8 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10

Check out what our besties at Snack Cellar had to say about the Keebler Birthday Cake Fudge Stripes:

[Review] Keebler Limited Batch Birthday Cake Fudge Stripes (via Snack Cellar)

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