REVIEW: Nabisco Swedish Fish Oreos
Let’s take a moment and explore how exactly we got to the point of Swedish Fish Oreos…
Here are the five best theories I could come up with. Really, these are the best:
5) Nabisco wanted to feature an iconic candy for the Halloween season.
4) One person at Nabisco has an insane Swedish Fish fetish.
3) Every person at Nabisco has an insane Swedish Fish fetish.
2) Nabisco lost a really convoluted bet with all cookie companies and this was the penalty.
1) Nabisco scientists had a competition to see who could make us puke the fastest.
Nabisco Swedish Fish Oreos sound, for lack of a better word, repulsive. When I shared some grainy images of these Oreos last month, everyone was convinced it was a Photoshop hoax. I assure you people: I barely know how to log into my own blog, let alone maneuver through Photoshop.
The reason nobody believed me was that Swedish Fish Oreos are the least logical choice for the next Oreo flavor. Like, WTF? We could have had Peanut Butter & Jelly Oreos or Carrot Cake Oreos or Whatever You Dug Up From the Garbage Oreos. Anything else would have sounded better than this.
Even more peculiar is that Nabisco chose the chocolate cookie wafers instead of Golden. The Golden Oreo wafer typically allows the featured flavor to shine brighter. Perhaps that wasn’t such a good idea for this weirdo creme. If any company has earned the right to go off script and experiment, it’s Nabisco. I will meet them halfway here: I’ve had chocolate covered Swedish Fish before and they were… ok.
If my leading theory on the Nabisco Puke Contest was accurate, somebody almost won in record speed. Opening this package unleashes a medicinal aroma that made me gag. No joke. It was so pungent that I wanted to hold my nose in the same manner one chugs cough syrup before I took a bite. But I didn’t…
…and that was the biggest mistake I’ve made in a long time. Nabisco Swedish Fish Oreos are 10x worse than I imagined. They taste like Swedish Fish that were soaked overnight in Robitussin. Actually, let me apologize to the fine folks at Robitussin for that last remark. At least they cure sickness. These Oreos promote it.
The blood red creme in Swedish Fish Oreos is bitter and nasty. It’s not sweet like candy oughta be. The creme overpowers the wafer so much that I couldn’t even taste any chocolate. The wafer, however, makes them taste even more bitter. Bitter cough syrup. I despise these Oreos with the strength of a million Armies.
Swedish Fish are purportedly flavored like lingonberries, the same stuff they serve alongside meatballs at IKEA. I rather eat Meatball Oreos than Swedish Fish Oreos. They don’t taste like berries or fruit or anything you would consume of your own free will. This aftertaste is everything that’s wrong with the world, turned into a flavor. Gross.
This paragraph will focus on the good with Nabisco Swedish Fish Oreos. This concludes the paragraph. There is nothing good about Swedish Fish Oreos.
Look, I’m sorry that this review is short on detail. I just couldn’t bring myself to eat more than 3 Swedish Fish Oreos. I know that’s my “job” as a food reviewer, but screw it. This isn’t a job, and this definitely isn’t food. Here’s what I did with the rest:
IKEA’s Meatballs Rating: 8 out of 10
Robitussin’s Rating: 3 out of 10
Overall Rating: 1.5 out of 10
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