Ladies and Gentlemen… a cookies & cream brownie…

With no cookies…

…and no creme.

You’ll have to forgive me, but I already hate this product so much and I haven’t even tried it yet.

You see, I discovered the new Hostess Cookies ‘n Creme Brownies at the Sweets & Snacks Expo way back in May 2018. At least the box, anyway, because they didn’t actually have the product on hand. No worries – they assured me it would release in a couple of weeks. “I cannot wait to be disappointed by this one,” I thought to myself.

For you see, Hostess has a piss poor track record with brownies that sound amazing but are actually horrible. The Milky Way Brownies were so bad that they were discontinued and replaced with Butterfinger Brownies, which were also discontinued because they were even worse.

But because I am a loyal, committed idiot, I searched high and low for the Hostess Cookies ‘ Creme Brownies for months to no avail, as I watched several other food bloggers post their reviews.  I finally found them at a Walmart on August the 4th, and proudly rushed them to the register only for it scream “SALE NOT ALLOWED”, while also whispering “F*ck you, get a life.”

Turns out Hostess issued a recall THE DAY BEFORE, because it forgot to list egg as an allergen. The ingredient list showed it contained eggs, but it did not include the language “Contains: Egg” on a separate line. Are you kidding me, Hostess?

I’ll tell you what I’m allergic to: the bullshit I’ve gone through to get these stupid brownies.

Hostess Cookies ‘n Creme Brownies

Also, the bullshit of them calling this “cookies ‘n creme.”

Not even close. It really is a dishonest marketing tactic that Hostess called these Cookies ‘ Creme Brownies. They’re just brownies with cheap frosting. A brownie is NOT a cookie, and a coating is not quite a creme. They taste like dense, unfilled Ding Dongs.

And you know what?

I like them!

I could sit here and tell you that these would be a million times better if Hostess added crumbles cookies atop the brownies, but after witnessing their feeble attempt at it with the already-discontinued Butterfinger Brownies, I think it’s probably best they didn’t try.

So then… my biggest issue is in the name, because the chocolate brownie is actually pretty darn good for the price. It’s not often that I get to eat a coated brownie, and I enjoy this shitty coating… because I am human trash. I guess it operates the same way frosting would but with a different, stiffer texture, and somehow it’s highlighting that their chocolate brownie actually tastes good.

But it still makes no sense to call it a Cookies ‘N Creme Brownie, and I’m still miffed by it. If the chocolate in and of itself is supposed to pass as the “cookie,” then every brownie is a “cookie” brownie because every brownie is made with chocolate.

…I looked for this for 5 months, and it’s probably gonna give me salmonella or something.

I should have just eaten an Oreo.

Burning Questions:

1. Why did you want these so bad? Because I’m a fat guy.
2. Why didn’t they fill these? Because they’re not as fat as we are.
3. Do you ever think you’re being too critical? This is the worst question I’ve ever gotten.

Place of Purchase: Big Lots

Rating: 6.5 out of 10

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