On the wrong side of 30, I don’t make a big deal of my birthdays anymore…

Sure, there was a time not along ago where I did. Private rooms. Bottle service. Mini hot dogs. But there’s something about pre-gaming a bit too hard and being thrown out of your own birthday party before most of your guests arrived, because you stumbled on stage – convinced that you could do a better job than the drummer – that really lets you know you’ve had enough.

Mind you – I’ve never played the drums in my life.

I prefer more quiet celebrations these days, and this year I’m opting for a much more private gathering…

Like, really private.

True “me” time.

I’m spending my birthday on the toilet.

Fiber One 90 Calorie Birthday Cake Bars

Fiber One 90 Calorie Birthday Cake Bars

The only gift I ask for is toilet paper, because I’m taking this value pack of Fiber One 90 Calorie Birthday Cake Bars straight to the bathroom and I don’t intend to leave until I’ve finished my business.

Given Fiber One’s track record with these bars, it could be a while…

The regular lineup is good enough as it is, but Fiber One usually slays these limited edition ones. Their pumpkin and gingerbread were both phenomenal, and to a lesser extent, the s’mores was solid too. It’s no secret that I love seasonal junk food, but I love it even more when it helps me poop.

Because like every man getting up there in age, I need all the help I can get.

Fiber One 90 Calorie Birthday Cake Bars

Fiber One 90 Calorie Birthday Cake Bars have the same texture you know and love from the brand: soft, fluffy inside, slightly firm at the edges, and a hardened drizzle of sugar and happiness.

What makes the Birthday Cake Bars even happier are colored sprinkles and vanilla chips throughout, and a flavor that is hilariously funfetti. Fiber One nailed this, and I’m so glad I invited them to my birthday party in the bathroom.

Fiber One 90 Calorie Birthday Cake Bars

Really, the likeness is uncanny. Fiber One 90 Calorie Birthday Cake Bars are lightly vanilla, slightly buttery… you can even taste the signature sweetness of sprinkles in every bite. They’re sufficiently sweet on their own, especially with the drizzle and the chips. A slathering of frosting and some candles are the only things missing from this birthday cake, but I’ll gladly trade those for 20% of my daily recommended fiber intake per bar. I can finally poop!

Sure, I wouldn’t be mad about more frosting flavor, and slightly hardened edges could give the impression of a stale slice of cake, but I’m not gonna nitpick these bad boys any further than that. Fiber One did a phenomenal job turning birthday cake into a delicious dietary supplement.

Now please, grab me some birthday cake air freshener and go away so I can turn 32 in peace and quiet.

What I Think of My Musical Ability When I’m Drunk Rating: 10 out of 10
Diarrhea on Your Birthday Rating: 1 out of 10
Overall Rating: 9 out of 10

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