Because pumpkin is so awesome and should be worshipped for the entire season, there are only a few alternatives even worth mentioning this time of year. Maple Pecan has emerged as a popular pairing at places like Starbucks, Dunkin’, and Pinterest. With good reason too; the combo of sweet maple syrup and crunchy nuts are sure to please – if you insist on switching things up from pumpkin, because you’re an idiot.

But the nut used is always pecan. I’m fine and good with pecans, but I feel there’s much more to be explored. I mean, how good does a Maple Pistachio muffin sound right about now?

That’s why these new Nestle Toll House Maple Walnut Cookies caught my interest.

It got me thinking how walnut is totally overlooked and underutilized in fall recipes.

And so today I set out to do a profile piece on the walnut – Googling walnut facts and shit – in the hopes that I could present them here and gain walnuts some momentum in this community.

But that’s not what this is, because I found something else.

Meet Walnut, the Crane.

Walnut is an extremely endangered white-naped crane with superior genetics, which is why its zookeepers really wanted it to f*ck and procreate. But instead of f*cking, Walnut rather enjoyed murdering any male crane who tried to do the honors. Because Walnut had been raised by humans, it kinda had a thing for humans – not cranes.

Meet Chris.

Chris is a very accomplished zookeeper at the Smithsonian Conservation Biology Institute where Walnut lives today. Considering the murdering episodes that Walnut had at its previous home, Chris has done an amazing job providing care and comfort for Walnut – so much so, in fact, that Walnut was finally ready to start mating.

With Chris.

Walnut would do its mating dance to poor Chris, who did not possess the physical tools (a crane penis) to make this possible. But Walnut would continue to dance until Chris’s job became clear: he was going to have to inject this bird with a syringe full of crane semen. 

And it worked! Walnut, 37, has now had seven chicks with Chris, 42, and the security population of white-naped cranes is in much better shape than it ever was before.

I write this not to make fun of Chris; this man is getting more action from female birds than I am with female humans. If anything, I would like to applaud Chris.

Chris and the keepers don’t need any more babies from Walnut right now, but listen to this: five times a day, all summer long, Chris will flap his arms like a bird, toss some grass into the air to signal his nest-making capabilities, and seduce Walnut – everything short of the syringe injection – just to keep the romance alive, in case we ever need any more emergency cranes.

This man is a legend.

Now let’s eat some cookies.

Nestle Toll House Maple Walnut Cookies feature a dough made with maple flakes and maple sugar, as well as walnuts embedded throughout. Maybe it’s the maple but I find this dough a little stickier, which makes it slightly harder to eat raw cookie dough.

But not hard enough.

The dough has a huge maple scent that I’m surprised didn’t attract Walnut to want to mate with me (cranes eat syrup, right?) The maple flavoring contributes a sweetness more nuanced than straight table sugar alone, and I find the dough less sweet than usual, but in a good way.

A very well-balanced attack of maple and crunchy walnuts.

I taste a lot more toasted walnut fresh out of the oven.

I’m weird, so here’s how I can describe these cookies. Take a Pecan Sandie and swap out the pecans for walnuts – a nice twist in and of itself. Now substitute the shortbread dough for a traditional sugar cookie dough, and then wrap that in a pancake. Yes, the soft and gooey inner portion of the cookie, flavored with enough maple syrup, brings out a pancake component. Tasty, and different.

So to all the happy couples out there, grab a pack of Nestle Toll House Maple Walnut Cookies, bake them together, and enjoy a nice little moment together.

Keep romance alive like Chris and Walnut – the happiest of couples on the planet:

Saving an Endangered Species Rating: 10 out of 10
F*cking an Endangered Species Rating: 0 out of 10
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10

Read more about Walnut and Chris at the following links:

• Meet Walnut, The Crane Who Fell In Love With Her Zookeeper, written by Sarah Hillenbrand, The Verge, 10 April 2015.
• The Crane Who Fell in Love With a Human – An Unlikely Courtship, written by Sadie Dingfelder, The Washington Post, 23 July 2018.
• Bird Bachelorette: Meet the Rare Female Crane Who Chose a Man Named Crowe as Her Mate for Life, written by Saryn Chorney, People, 2 August 2018

To keep up with all of our product finds and Junk Bantering in real time, follow us on social media at the links below!

Facebook: www.facebook.com/junkbanter
Instagram: www.instagram.com/junkbanter
Twitter: www.twitter.com/junkbanter
Snapchat: junkbanter

To contact us via e-mail, send a message to junkbanter@gmail.com