WELP, we did it! I honestly pegged our life expectancy at about one week before we gave up, but your incredible support for the last year has made it impossible to stop eating garbage. Junk Banter is officially one year(s) old!
And you wanna talk about fate? I couldn’t make this shit up: Junk Banter is celebrating its first birthday on National Junk Food Day!
Like every other blog that has turned one, it’s time to take a look back at the past year and talk about the highlights of this idiotic blog, aka your most embarrassing guilty pleasure. Tonight we’ll turn back the hands of time by giving out awards that I will make up on the spot. Like all of the best reviews we’ve published, this article was written when I was drunk.
Best Birthday Cake Item of the Past Year
Birthday Cake Flipz
Date of Review: October 13, 2015
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10
Why It Wins: Captures the finer qualities of a yellow cake with vanilla frosting but with a salty twist that makes it incredibly addicting. Made me sing a Rihanna song. Made me wonder if Rihanna reads the blog (she doesn’t.)
Highest Rated Product of the Past Year
Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch
Date of Review: November 13, 2015
Overall Rating: 100 out of 10
Why It Wins: Because it scored a 100 out of 10. Christmas in a Box. The box art.
Review Read By the Most People
Quest Bars
Date of Review: October 1, 2015
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: Has been viewed over 22,500 times. Confirmed that deep down, the fitness community is a bunch of slobs like the rest of us.
Best Review That Pissed Off 250,000 People
Jet-Puffed Pumpkin Spice Mallows
Date of Review: September 27, 2015
Overall Rating: 1 out of 10
Why It Wins: Made a marshmallow advocacy group wish death upon me (please read this). Caused someone to say the sentence: “No wonder he plays Jenga alone for 45 mins.” Was the single greatest thing that’s ever happened in my life.
Best Review Written Entirely When Drunk
Trader Joe’s Gingerbread Turkey Kit
Date of Review: November 7, 2015
Overall Rating: 3 out of 10
Why It Wins: Looks like an elephant that had a stroke. I paid Drunk Female $10 to get drunk and make this. She did great.
Best Pumpkin Spice Product of the Past Year
Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter
Date of Review: September 25, 2015
Overall Rating: 10 out of 10
Why It Wins: Cookies & Pumpkins. Tastes like what being the President of the United States feels like.
Best Oreo of the Past Year
Nabisco Fruity Crisp Oreos
Date of Review: June 1, 2016
Overall Rating: 10 out of 10
Why It Wins: The only perfect score we’ve ever given to an Oreo. The first of many new Oreo varieties leaked by Junk Banter. Near-perfect cereal meets perfect cookie.
Craziest Thing We Ate For The Blog
Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Flavored Dog Treats
Date of Review: October 5, 2015
Overall Rating: 9.5 out of 10 (for dogs), 1.5 out of 10 (for humans)
Why It Wins: Drunk Female ate a dog treat for the blog. Special guest review by a dog. Cemented that we will do anything for blog traffic (nobody read this one).
Best NSFW Review of the Past Year
Cold Stone Creamery Eggs
Date of Review: March 14, 2016
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Peanut Butter Madness); 6.5 out of 10 (Rainbow Cakery)
Why It Wins: Reviewed two products that looked like vaginas. Instagram comments were hilarious.
Most Cupcakes Thrown At the Wall in a Review
Hostess Baseball Cupcakes
Date of Review: April 3, 2016
Overall Rating: 10 out of 10
Why It Wins: This is the only review where I threw a cupcake at a wall in my house.
Best M&M Art in a Review
Easter Sundae M&M’s
Date of Review: February 16, 2016
Overall Rating: 6 out of 10
Why It Wins: Is neat, tidy, and playful.
Worst M&M Art in a Review
Honey Nut M&M’s
Date of Review: March 13, 2016
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10
Why It Wins: Look at it. It looks like Yoshi with a mouth gag.
Most Mysteries Solved In One Review
Trader Joe’s Taste Test of Caramels
Date of Review: November 18, 2015
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10
Why It Wins: Solved five mysteries, edging the one I solved in the Mystery Peeps review. Written under the heavy influence of whiskey. Was an amazing night.
Most Fun I Had During Any Review
Friendly’s Crayola Color Me Vanilla Ice Cream
Date of Review: February 4, 2016
Overall Rating: 4 out of 10
Why It Wins: Planned this one for months in advance. Reviewed an ice cream by coloring with it. Produced nightmare fuel.
I would just like to close by saying that this little hobby of mine has been one of the most fulfilling endeavors I’ve ever embarked upon. Interacting with you guys both on the blog and on all forms of social media has been more fun than I ever anticipated. Thank you for everything. Here’s to another year and hopefully many more than that!
To keep up with all of our products finds and Junk Bantering in real time, follow us on social media at the links below!
Facebook: www.facebook.com/junkbanterblog
Instagram: www.instagram.com/junkbanter
Twitter: www.twitter.com/junkbanter
Snapchat: junkbanter
To contact us via e-mail, send a message to junkbanter@gmail.com
