Ahem… I uh, I didn’t prepare a speech today because I didn’t… I didn’t think I’d still be alive.
But I am HERE, baby! Junk Banter is officially three years old today; ain’t no amount of garbage gonna keep down Old Bear Banter.
And you wanna talk about fate? Junk Banter is celebrating its birthday on National Junk Food Day! Couldn’t make this shit up if I tried…
Since I am a website and have no friends, I will issue a blog post in lieu of a party. Today we look back at the past year to remember some of the ups and downs I’ve been through for you guys.
Hope you enjoy!
Click the link on the date of each review to read it. Or don’t, because there are better things to do.
Best Birthday Cake Item of the Past Year
Fiber One 90 Calorie Birthday Cake Bars
Date of Review: February 14, 2018
Overall Rating: 9 out of 10
Why It Wins: Because they taste great and make you poop.
Best Product of the Past Year
Orange Vanilla Cream M&M’s
Date of Review: April 18, 2018
Overall Rating: 10 out of 10
Why It Wins: Citrus and white chocolate in the most charming combination. Surprising, but flawless.
Best Oreo of the Past Year
Nabisco Pistachio Oreo Thins
Date of Review: June 5, 2018
Overall Rating: 9 out of 10
Why It Wins: For all my doubts about the chocolate wafer, Nabisco whipped it out and showed me why they made $674.2 million in cookies sales last year, while my blog made $6.42 yesterday.
Worst Oreo/Anything of the Year
Nabisco Mystery Oreos
Date of Review: October 10, 2017
Overall Rating: 4 out of 10
Why It Wins: Because it defaced one of the greatest Oreos of all time; because it was the easiest mystery to solve; because I didn’t win the $50,000.
Best New Candy Bar
Reese’s Outrageous! Stuffed with Pieces
Date of Review: May 16, 2018
Overall Rating: 9 out of 10
Why It Wins: Because the second they decided to do this, it won the award. Automatic.
Best Chip of the Year
Top Ramen Chicken Pringles
Date of Review: August 15, 2017
Overall Rating: 9 out of 10
Why It Wins: Took me back to college, including the part where I didn’t get laid.
Best M&M Art of the Year
Cookies & Screeem M&M’s
Date of Review: August 24, 2017
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10
Why It Wins: Neve Campbell was so hot.
Best Pumpkin Spice Product of the Year
Pumpkin Pie Kit Kat
Date of Review: September 6, 2017
Overall Rating: 10 out of 10
Why It Wins: Do the math, guys.
Comeback of the Year Award
Hostess Suzy Q’s (New and Improved, 2018)
Date of Review: April 2, 2018
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10
Why It Wins: It silenced an entire community of people who wanted to kill me and Hostess for the first failed resurrection. Seriously, a must read.
Biggest F*ck Up of the Year
Keebler Whoopsy! Fudge Stripes
Date of Review: June 19, 2018
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10
Why It Wins: Whoops!
Biggest Monstrosity of the Year
Starbucks Zombie Frappuccino
Date of Review: October 26, 2017
Overall Rating: 6 out of 10
Why It Wins: It’s zombie shit in a cup.
Dumbest Pickle of the Year
Great Value Tropickles
Date of Review: July 26, 2017
Overall Rating: 5 out of 10
Why It Wins: Kool Aid Pickles… just because you CAN do something doesnt mean’
Most Effort Put Into Any Review
Date of Review: August 2, 2017
Overall Rating: 9 out of 10
Why It Wins: You wouldn’t know from reading it, but I stayed up all night watching scenes from the movie Fried Green Tomatoes – literally all night – to piece together a review.
Most Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Lunchboxes Purchased for One Review
Date of Review August 7, 2017
Overall Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: One lunchbox is all it took.
Most Blue Raspberry Semen Consumed in a Review
Date of Review: February 7, 2018
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10
Why It Wins: It was so good!
Most Butt References in One Review
Date of Review: March 27, 2018
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10
Why It Wins: Too Many to Count
Best Use of Britney Spears GIFs in a Review
Date of Review: March 19, 2018
Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: It’s Britney, Bitch.
Final Words.
Another year down and another sincere thank you to all my readers. Whether you’re a loyal visitor or just stop in occasionally, I wouldn’t devote this much effort and put on this much body fat if it didn’t make you all happy. I wouldn’t – or couldn’t – do this without your support.
I can’t say for sure that I’ll be doing this for another year, 5 years, or 10 years. Life continues to get busier for me and written blogs are becoming a less desirable form of content for readers and publishers alike. But I dread the day I hang up my review hat because I never want to stop entertaining the Junk Banter family.
Please continue to make this as fun as it has been for me the past three years, and maybe I will blog forever (impossible – it will kill me eventually).
To learn more about the history of Junk Banter and a bit more about myself, check out these feature stories from The Baltimore Sun and Elite Daily.
Thank you for another year of your readership!
To keep up with all of our products finds and Junk Bantering in real time, follow us on social media at the links below!
Facebook: www.facebook.com/junkbanterblog
Instagram: www.instagram.com/junkbanter
Twitter: www.twitter.com/junkbanter
Snapchat: junkbanter
To contact us via e-mail, send a message to junkbanter@gmail.com
Happy birthday! These awards were better than the oscars.
The highest praise. Thanks Nick!
For what it’s worth, your Fried Green Tomatoes chips review didn’t make me want to watch the movie, but it did make me want to try the chips.
Happy birthday!
Haha, I so recommend the movie but good news is the chips are coming back real soon! Thank you!