WELP, another year is in the books! I honestly pegged our life expectancy at about one week before we gave up, but your incredible support for the last two years has made it impossible to stop eating garbage. Junk Banter is officially two years old!
And you wanna talk about fate? Junk Banter is celebrating its birthday on National Junk Food Day! Couldn’t make this shit up if I tried…
Like every other blog celebrating a birthday, it’s time to take a look back at the past two years and talk about the highlights of this idiotic blog, your most embarrassing guilty pleasure. Tonight we’ll turn back the hands of time by giving out awards that I will make up on the spot.
Click the link on the date of each review to read it. Or don’t, because there are better things to do.
Best Birthday Cake Item of the Past Year
Hershey’s Kisses Birthday Cake
Date of Review: September 5, 2016
Overall Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: Because they taste great and they look like unicorn tits.
Most Birthday Cakes Eaten in One Review
Thomas’ Party Cake Mini Bagels
Date of Review: January 23, 2017
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10
Why It Wins: Technically they were birthday cake bagels, but I ate six of them, so…
Highest Rated Product of the Past Year
Pillsbury Cinnabon Cinnamon Roll Cookies
Date of Review: March 2, 2017
Overall Rating: 10 out of 10
Why It Wins: Because it’s the only product I rated a perfect 10 this year. Cinnamon Toast Crunch-flavored deliciousness.
Lowest Rated Product of the Year
General Mills Stupid Cinnamon Star Crunch
Date of Review: November 1, 2016
Overall Rating: 0 out of 10
Why It Wins: Because you can’t do any worse than zero. This cereal scored a zero because General Mills murdered the greatest cereal of all-time, Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch, and replaced it with this horseshit.
Best Oreo of the Past Year
Date of Review: July 10, 2017
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10
Why It Wins: In a really down year for Oreos, this is the one that stands out. Most of the flavors failed to live up to their hype (like Jelly Donut Oreos and Waffles & Syrup Oreos), and one of the Oreos was flavored with itself (Cookies & Creme). Dunkin’ Donuts Mocha Oreos delivered the coffee Oreo we always wanted and they did it well.
Worst Oreo/Anything in the Past Year
Nabisco Swedish Fish Oreos
Date of Review: August 11, 2016
Overall Rating: 1.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: Tasted like Robitussin, but instead of curing your sickness, it made you puke.
Best New Candy Bar
Twix Dark
Date of Review: May 1, 2017
Overall Rating: 9.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: Took one of my favorite candy bars and made it better. Once you go dark…
Best Pumpkin Spice Product of the Past Year
Trader Joe’s Sticky Pumpkin Cake with Hard Sauce
Date of Review: November 9, 2016
Overall Rating: 9.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: Sounds like a really bad porno; tastes a lot better than one.
Review Read By the Most People
Halo Top Ice Cream.
Date of Review: October 20, 2016
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: Has been viewed a quarter of a million times. Confirmed that deep down, the fitness community is a bunch of slobs like the rest of us.
Most Obnoxious Thing Released This Year
Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino
Date of Review: April 19, 2017
Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: It was unicorn diarrhea in a cup. It was supposed to change color, but it didn’t.
Comeback Performance of the Year
Date of Review: June 19, 2017
Overall Rating: 9.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: For the last ten years, it was dead. It returned with a vengeance in 2017.
Most Effort Put Into Any Review
Post Cinnamon Pebbles
Date of Review: January 18, 2017
Overall Rating: 5 out of 10
Why It Wins: I completed a quasi-Scavenger hunt on the back of the box, convinced a bunch of strangers to let me take selfies with them and their dogs, and then didn’t even like the cereal.
Dumbest Jolly Rancher Flavored Pop Tarts of the Year
All Kellogg’s Jolly Rancher Pop Tarts
Date of Review May 17, 2017
Overall Rating: Doesn’t matter.
Why It Wins: All of them are dumb.
Most Match.com Profiles Created For One Review
Little Debbie PB Rounds
Date of Review: September 28, 2016
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10
Why It Wins: I quipped that the product name “PB Round” is also my body type on my Match.com profile, then created a profile to drove home the joke. Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof.
Best New Suicide Pill
Great Value Donut Cheeseburger
Date of Review: August 30, 2016
Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 10
Why It Wins: Because it was disgusting and it will definitely kill you if you finish it.
Most Mysteries Solved In One Review
Mystery Peeps (2017)
Date of Review: March 8, 2017
Overall Rating: 5 out of 10
Why It Wins: Under the heavy influence of whiskey, I solved one and a half mysteries. I correctly guessed that #1 was Maple Syrup, and I guessed #3 was Grape when the answer was Grape Slush (half credit). Everyone was wrong on #2 which was Blueberry despite tasting like Orange. I got to watch my Snapchat audience yell at each other while arguing the flavors along with me (video).
Best Episode of “Junk Banter Fat Couch”
(Warning: Profanity, Sexually Suggestive Content, Really Dumb)
Date of Review: May 29, 2017
Why It Wins: Tried to plan a party, nobody showed up, ate a gigantic cupcake meant for 10 people.
Final Words.
Year #2 of Junk Banter has seen a tremendous amount of growth in terms of traffic and social media influence. No matter what content we put out there, it’s the desire to entertain you, the loyal readers of JunkBanter.com, that keeps us going. Please never stop showing up because this has been way too much fun. Junk Banter serves a huge purpose in my life: it’s my creative release and it gives me more laughs than you can ever know.
Thank you for your readership!
To keep up with all of our products finds and Junk Bantering in real time, follow us on social media at the links below!
Facebook: www.facebook.com/junkbanterblog
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Twitter: www.twitter.com/junkbanter
Snapchat: junkbanter
To contact us via e-mail, send a message to junkbanter@gmail.com
Major congratulations! Here’s to many more years of Junk Banter reviews.
Thank you for your continued readership, Liz!
Happy Birthday, Junk Banter!
Thanks a lot, Marvo!!